Wanna Fuck a Crack Whore? Lindsay Lohan Fleshlight Update

Lindsay Lohan offered $1 Million by Fleshlight

Have you been trying to hook up with that drunken, drug addled crack slut for the longest time, but haven’t had any luck yet?  If so, I’ve got some news that should cheer you up.  You’ll no longer have to spend your time and money tying to seduce that meth witch.  Well, as long as Lindsay “The Most Popular Crack Whore of All Time” Lohan accepts the $1 million offer that Fleshlight has offered her.  The company, who makes those brilliantly simple sex toys for men, wants to make a Fleshlight molded from Lindsay’s ass and vagina.

Because, yeah, that’s what every sex-starved guy with an expendable income sex toy budget dreams of; Fucking Lindsay Lohan.  Right.  While I have no doubt that such a device would sell very well (if for no other reason than sick curiosity), I think this is more of a publicity stunt on Fleshlight’s part than a serious offer.  Just because Lohan accepted a butt-load of cash to pose naked for Playboy, doesn’t mean that she’d be willing to make a mold of her junk in exchange for even more money.  Would it?  Probably not, according to most sources.  While black tar heroine and meth doesn’t come cheap, she does apparently have some standards.  Who knew?

A collection of various Fleshlights

But, like I said, I’m guessing that Fleshlight was never really counting on Lindsay Lohan accepting its offer.  By making the details of this potential deal in such a public way, Fleshlight was more likely looking to get its name splashed around every tabloid, morning radio show, and classy blog (this one included) around.  And they’d get all of this publicity…for free.  And if Lindsay Lohan had surprised everyone (including Fleshlight) and accepted the offer?  Even better.  It would cost the company a cool million, but the media firestorm that would follow would provide more publicity than any conventional marketing campaign ever would.  This is a win-win situation for Fleshlight.

So, if those “sources” are correct, there will be no Lindsay Lohan Fleshlight anytime in the near, or even distant, future.  And that’s a good thing.  It’s bad enough that the courts haven’t ordered that disgusting piece of drugged up meat put to death, we sure as hell don’t need a world full of silicone replicas of her vagina floating around.  And, really, why in the name of all that is holy would you want to stick any part of your body in something molded from Lindsay Lohan?  Any part of her?  If you’re that desperate to get laid, simply dangle a baggy of Tylenol 3 tablets in front of that group of skanks who hang out at Wal-Mart after 11pm.  It would cost you less than a Lindsay Lohan Fleshlight and, after all the weird sex was over, you’d still have at least a little bit of pride left.