If you haven’t discovered all of these XXX personalities before you die…your life was a waste.
Because I am that filthy derelict from the Internet that your mother should have warned you about, I spend a lot of time hanging out on adult webcam sites. What I’ve discovered is that any high quality live cam site contains six very distinct webcam personality types. These are the ones who deliver the best chat experiences and if you haven’t met each of these personality types yet…you’re doing it wrong.
1. The Escaped Mental Patient
She is the one who’s online conversation seems a bit off but is attractive enough that you ignore all of the red flags going off in your head. Then when you pay your tokens and go into a private show with her, the crazy comes out. And it’s awesome. And terrifying. But also amazing. Screaming, jumping up on down on the bed, something explodes and by the end of the show, half of the room is on fire and she’s shaved half of her head.
2. The Sex Guru
These types of people are hard among the hardest of the webcam personality types to identify. That’s because you can only spot them after you’ve spent some time in their chatrooms and done one or two private shows. But seeking them out is worth it because these are the sexual masters who not only deliver jaw dropping performances, they also teach you new shit that you can try at home to impress all your friends.
“You guys wanna see a trick? I’m gonna stand on my head, stick three of my toes in my ass and then have a thirty minute orgasm.” A true sex guru cam model will show you how to do that.
3. The Off-Duty Stripper
Professional strippers possess a unique set of skills that make them some of the baddest people alive. The really good ones possess expert-level conversation skills, the grace of a classically trained ballerina and the body of a swimsuit model. And they are as flexible as ninjas and have an unhealthy obsession with glitter. They also happen to deliver some of the hottest, face-melting XXX webcam shows on the Internet.
4. The Dungeon Master
These folks are fairly easy to spot. You will instantly recognize them because they are wearing heavy amounts of black leather, have lots of heavy ropes and whips laying around and occasionally there’s someone suspended upside down by chains in the background. And their private shows are bonkers.
WARNING: Before engaging too extensively with a Dungeon Master, be sure to establish a safe word with them. If you don’t, you’ll end up like me last Thursday night; Curled up in the fetal position in the corner and rocking back and forth in shock.
5. The College Co-Ed Who’s into Experimentation
The dead give away here is the college dorm room background and she talks a lot about her classes, what she wants to do when she graduates and homework deadlines. This happens in between her holding up three wicked-looking dildoes and asking which one you want her to use and what hole to put it in. Take advantage of this experience now because in two years, she’s gonna be your boss and will eventually fire you because of slipping performance.
6. The Party Couple
If you can find them, these people are a blast. In addition to delivering some of the most entertaining hardcore webcam shows, the Party Couple are just really fun to hang out with. They are up for anything, their private shows are high-energy marathon sex sessions and they know a bunch of hilarious jokes. These are the people you wish you were best friends with in real life because all of your friends just talk about their kids and judge you for still being single.